A Pumpkin Loaf

I have decided to be revolutionary today and to write a pumpkin post a few days before Halloween. It is so groundbreaking, I might suffocate.

What can I do? Inspiration has been hard to come by lately, and whenever I feel compelled to sit at my computer and break free of my family to-do list for a minute or two (Thanksgiving break! Christmas break! Nutcracker tickets that will be rare and overpriced because I should have done it two months ago! Birthday gifts for the 17-year-old! Missing accessories for Halloween costumes! Coordinating with friends coming to town for Halloween! Appointment for the 14-year-old broken braces! And broken glasses! Deadline for college Early Decision application in three days! And this is just the top of the iceberg!) See, I didn’t even break free from the list. I’m just sitting here WITH IT and will go back to it every thirty seconds while I am trying to write this post. And the post might be, again, about the notifications I receive while trying to write something vaguely coherent?

I promise I will try and not subject you to this again. I know you don’t need to know more about my WhatsApp feed. You have your own to worry about and get under control.

You see, my pumpkin loaf business is all about rising above the day-to-day tedium and remind ourselves that despite all the stuff we have to deal with and the onslaught of “little things” that take us away from what matters most - not to mention the onslaught on big things going on in the world right now,- despite all of that, it is still Fall here in the Northern Hemisphere.

You might not care at all, but for those who know, Fall is by far the most glorious season in New York. Even last year when I was so angry and sad that I had to move back into this crazy place, I remember that some pumpkin sightings, some chill in the air, some baked apples after a day of fighting crowds at a local orchard, some over-the-top Halloween decorations on the stoops of patrician Upper East Side brownstones, did bring me a few moments of fleeting joy. I remembered why I used to love this place so much. Why autumn in Paris felt so dull and dreary in comparison.

This year, I can’t say I have felt this joy quite yet. I am no longer grieving France, at least not as intensely, and my mental state has seen much improvement over the past few months – meaning that I have stopped being a complete mess, NOT that I have become a perfectly well-adjusted and clear-eyed human being. I went to Paris a couple of weeks ago for a school break and came back without even crying. So, yes, we are out of despair. But we are not quite back to where we were in our late twenties and early thirties, when we were young and had babies and went apple picking with toddlers in a cart and drank hot cider while children were running around piles of dead leaves.

That pure joy I experienced as a young mother, as an expat loving every minute of her life in the crazy big city, I’m not sure I will get to feel again.

I can sense I have entered a new phase. Where New York doesn’t thrill me as much, and my children don’t thrill me as much. I rarely wipe a tear while I watch them sleeping. I don’t spend hours daydreaming about what we could do for our next vacation, where I could best experience these moments of unadulterated joy, despite the fatigue of raising babies and creatures under five years old.

In other words, I am getting old. And I wouldn’t mind a change of scenery. I’ve had dreams of Rome, London maybe. Somewhere that wouldn’t be New York, and maybe not Paris either because leaving it turned out to be so fraught. Of course, there are no good reasons we would move to any of those places right now, so I can keep dreaming. And, in the meantime, keep reconciling myself with the fact that for the moment, New York isn’t giving much more than fatigue and a slight, persistent boredom.

Which is why the pumpkin pie is even more needed. No to evoke the spirit of Fall, but to create it. To revive the glorious Octobers of years past, when breathing the chilly New York air was enough to fill me with delight.

This year, October just flew by before I could realize what was happening. Back to school was hectic, as it always is. Then a first school break came too soon, and suddenly we wake up and find ourselves three days from Halloween in a cold, gusty city. Decorations popped up everywhere while we were away. It is officially too late to get to an apple orchard or any decent pumpkin patch. We had to get our Jack-O-Lantern candidate from the local supermarket this weekend, and I’m not sure when we will find the time to carve it by Friday.

So, yes, everything is feeling quite rushed, not entirely autumn-y. And my son is turning seventeen tomorrow, how did that even happen? Next thing we know it will be Thanksgiving, and Christmas, and I am NOT READY. Summer was just here, and I haven’t had time to absorb the new season quite yet.

In these dire circumstances, pumpkin bread was all I could think of.

I have already decided that it will be the breakfast I serve to my children on their big brother’s birthday. It will be a school day so they will only have time to wolf the whole thing down without paying any attention to what they are eating.

I’m not sure they even like pumpkin bread. The last time I made this, which I think was in Paris – or maybe Vermont, or both? – their enthusiasm lasted just about as long as the scent of clove and cinnamon spreading in the kitchen. They oohed and aahed over the first slice, and then the bread went untouched for several days until I had to finish it one morning when I wasn’t even hungry.  

So, why make this, will you ask?      

Just because I need some autumn vibes before it gets too late, and because I have these cans of pumpkin puree I purchased last October with the best intentions in mind, but not the strength or desire to go on an American baking spree.        

The desire is not quite there this year either, but I am determined to make this autumn joy happen. Before leaves fall off the trees outside my bedroom window, before my son is off to college and we don’t get to enjoy these moments with him anymore.

I suspect next Fall might be quite difficult, even with three other children still at home. I don’t think about it too much, but sometimes emotions catch me unaware, and I find myself crying while picking up dirty clothes from a laundry hamper.

Better to enjoy a warm spiced cake while he’s still at home.

I used the following recipe, which is quick and easy. See, I barely have an hour to make this tonight before the Senior grade parent potluck. The little things, again.

Pumpkin Loaf Cake

https://www.bakedbyrachel.com/pumpkin-loaf-cake/

INSTRUCTIONS

• Preheat oven to 350°F. Lightly grease a 1lb loaf pan (9x5-inches) with baking spray (*see notes). Line prepared baking pan with parchment paper, leaving overhang on the two longer sides. Set aside.

• In a large bowl or stand mixer, combine vegetable oil with pumpkin puree. Mix in granulated and brown sugar. Add in one egg at a time, followed by vanilla, salt, spices, baking powder and baking soda. Add flour in small batches, mixing between each addition. Mix until fully combined and no streaks remain. 

• Pour batter into prepared baking pan. use a small offset spatula to level off the top. 

• Bake at 350°F for 65-70 minutes or until a cake tester or toothpick inserted into the center of the loaf comes out clean or with only a few moist crumbs. Bake time may vary from one oven to the next, begin checking around 60 minutes and continue monitoring until the loaf is done. 

• Cool in pan for at least 30 minutes. Using parchment overhang, carefully pull up and outwards to remove loaf from pan. Transfer loaf to a wire rack to cool completely. Once cooled, transfer loaf and parchment paper to a large gallon sized bag or size appropriate airtight container. For best results, store overnight before slicing. (*See notes and tips within this post and recipe.)

• Prepare optional frosting. In a medium bowl, beat softened cream cheese until smooth. Mix in softened butter. Add in powdered sugar, mixing well. Lastly mix in brown sugar. Mix until fully combined and frosting is smooth. 

• Remove loaf from storage bag or container. Slice and serve with optional frosting. Loaf will keep for up to several days stored in an airtight container or storage bag.